There’s a lot to be said about single parenting. Affecting nearly a quarter of U.S. households, with 80% of the mothers running the show, it is an all-too-common reality in our world.
As a single mom, I often receive comments like, “I don’t know how you do it all,” “Raising kids on your own is so hard. I give you so much credit,” or, my favorite, “ Single mom life is the most challenging job in the world.”
From one single mom to the world, my response is always the same: “We have no choice but to show up every day for our kids.” We pack our emotional suitcases and carry on, one day at a time.
While all of these statements are true, I don’t think they’re necessary parts of a conversation. It’s human nature to soften the blow and be empathetic toward others, but trying to balance someone else’s weight is not always required for support. Sometimes, the weight someone carries cannot be genuinely felt unless you’ve carried it yourself.
I was raised by a single mother. I saw how hard she worked daily to ensure we had everything we needed, but I couldn’t fathom the single mom life until I lived it.
As someone who has always been uber-independent, doing things on my own has come naturally for me, whether as a coping mechanism, learned trauma response, or otherwise. When I became a single parent, life didn’t feel too different for myself or my kids. Minus the presence of another person in my house, I didn’t feel like I took on more of a physical or mental load. Reflecting on that, I am unsure whether that is a win or a loss for me, but it’s my reality.
Sure, my load can be stifling as a mom of three, but no matter how much I worry about it, focus on it, or complain about it, the weight will not get any lighter. In fact, it’s now up to me to balance it so that my children and I can live a healthy life. Every day, I reorganize, repack, and adjust the baggage we carry, making sure nothing is left behind that could hold us back.
My goal in life is always to control what I can and let the rest fall as it may. No one, though, prepared me for damage control.
When I became a mom, I knew that my main goal, aside from keeping my children safe and healthy, was to give them everything I didn’t have. From opportunities to security, I wanted to avoid any childhood trauma for them. I knew in my heart of hearts that no adult should spend their 18+ life having to work through childhood trauma. My kids surely wouldn’t. So I thought.
I’ve learned to pack light mentally and emotionally, shedding what doesn’t serve us and adding only what will help us soar.
Balancing has become easy for me. Cleaning up someone else’s mess is hard, and dragging around the baggage left by someone else is tiring. No one talks about having to be the parent who raises the children while simultaneously covering up the inconsistencies left by the other, barely-present parent.
I wish more people gave children the credit they deserve as human beings. They see things, feel things, experience a spectrum of emotions, and deserve the same respect as adults. Communication is an essential building block of life, so why do so many parents not provide secure communication for their children or own up to their mistakes when they make them?
No one is perfect, myself included, but on the endless laundry lists of tasks I have as a single mother, it shouldn’t be my responsibility to ensure healthy boundaries, conversations, and respect are provided by the other parent. Unfortunately, this is the reality for many single parents, moms and dads alike.
So, in addition to packing lunches, making sure teeth are brushed, homework is done, practice pickups are completed, emotional support is provided, conversations about life and goals are had, bills are paid, and boundless happiness is a result, damage control, and baggage claim are also byproducts of my current situation. When it comes to my kids, my bags are always packed with recognition, love, and resilience—ready for whatever the journey brings.
I agree to all terms and conditions of this life I have chosen. All single parents have, but it would be a little softer if secondary parents realized the impact and importance of their choices and showed up as such.
My objective is not to slight anyone but to provide insight into what single parents regularly experience outside of managing a million and one tasks. There is often more than meets the eye for us.
Single parenting is a relentless juggle, a constant dance between strength and vulnerability. We are architects of resilience, building homes of love amidst life's storms—even the storms we don’t create ourselves. It’s a journey that demands unwavering courage. While the world may see and praise our strength, please understand that fortitude is the fruit of our labor, and our roots to climb here are deep, intertwined, heavy, exhausting, beautiful, and vast.
Here’s the thing: It's a privilege to have a front-row seat to my children's lives. I would carry any weight to experience every milestone, challenge, and triumph from the best seat in the house. So, if that means I have to check some bags to get them to their destination, consider it done.
Until next time,
C
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